Lessons are meant to be learned!

I hate making mistakes, but seeing as how I am not perfect, I make them all the time. I, unlike most people, am willing to take chances on trying new things even if I think they might end up being a mistake. It is how I have managed to become a more well rounded 25 year old. Throw in a little life experience, and viola... You have me. I certainly have enough things that have happened in my life to make me bitter and cynical, but am surprisingly not. How did I do this? I embrace life. It isn't always easy, and generally I fight with it, but I would rather fight with my life than fight with everyone in it. I find peace in the fact that as bad as my life has been there is always someone out there that has it worse than me and it helps me to keep things in perspective. But that is just my life in general... what about love?

Is it soul mates, or destiny... or just plain luck that leads us to the one that we spend forever with? I hear people talk about having a "type" all the time, and it makes no sense to me. I can't see myself only dating blond haired, blue eyed heartthrobs, but that's not to say that I wouldn't either. I am more attracted to a type of person, and looking for someone that is a good match for me on a different level. Because I am divorced I feel like I am pretty knowledgeable in the things that I look for and avoid in relationships. I have ended up with some people that fit well into those categories and they haven't worked out, so I have done what I can to step out of that, and it hasn't worked out either.

So what is it? Bad timing? Wrong person? I have no idea. What is it that we are supposed to be looking for, and how do we find it? I know that I am not necessarily looking to be with anyone, especially right now coming fresh out of something, but is it going to just fall in my lap? I am no love expert, and I don't claim to have any idea what I am doing, but I hope with some diligence that I find something in someone that speaks to me, and makes it all fit. There is someone out there who will mend the pieces of my broken heart. Someone who can fill in the cracks left by someone else. Maybe I already know him, or maybe he is a complete stranger... but I obviously need to say a small prayer and cross my fingers that he finds me, and i find him, and at the end of that day we are able to go on and live the life that was intended for us, together!

I just want a teammate in life; someone that will go to bat for me, and let me be their biggest chearleader. I need someone motivated so that they can understand my undying drive to succeed at whatever I am doing. I need someone strong so that they can pick me up when I fall, and understand that I may not need them to. I want someone who is creative, and interested in learning new things. I need to be stimulated but also want to feel as though I stimulate someone else in the same ways. I want to feel safe and comfortable in his arms, but not smothered by them. I want to have someone who takes things day by day, but isn't scared to look towards the future. I want someone who is spiritual, and believes that there is more to life than just us, and is willing to be open to religious ideals, and the faith that comes with it. I need someone that is appreciative and down to Earth. I want someone who is honest, and kind, but upfront and not afraid to speak their mind. I am sure I could go on and on... but generally, if you are a good person and will love me and my child unconditionally... I am willing to give you a chance to prove that you can be these things. Maybe they are ridicilous, but because I am willing to be all of these things for someone else, I will continue to hold on to the idea that there is someone out there willing to be all of these things for me!

Tears are sometimes the best medicine!

So I have determined that maybe it isn't just me that finds some resolute in having a good cry every once in a while. I perhaps cry more than most people will admit to, but it isn't always because I am sad. There are times of happy tears, or tears that rage down my face in anger. I have cried out of misery and loneliness, as well as out of gratitude and forgiveness. Yesterday I cried out of grief but today I cried in relief, and both times I cried over the same thing.

I got my tattoo yesterday and felt a little bit of pain, but mostly relief. I am not numb! I swore that I was locking away all my emotions. It was my secret plan for getting over my most recent relationship. I love this man, and I felt as if I needed to act like I didn't to feel better, and to move on. I am going to try. I plan on going out with other people, but it isn't because I don't care about him... in fact, I really believe that we could still have a future together. It is NOT written in stone by any means, and for all I know I could meet the man of my dreams tomorrow, and this will all seem like a distant memory. It is the chance that we take when we break up with someone we still love and want to be with.

But the timing is wrong. It isn't right at this moment, and we both need to accomplish some things individually before we can start a life together. Today, we cried together, and there was something refreshing about it. I don't feel like the bad guy anymore, and he wasn't being selfish today, and all the things that we fought about all this time were no where to be found. without all of that stuff we found a common ground, and I am still a little sad, and I still want to cry, but I feel better too. I feel as if the loose end we left isn't quite so loose. I know now that we will be able to see each other and it not feel like the end of the world.

I have a better sense of myself today, and for that I am grateful. Yes, there are still plenty of things that I need to work on, and I have every intention of continuing to do so, but I feel a little more complete, and a little more grown up. I feel stronger, and more determined than ever. I feel revitalized, and content with things, and it is refreshing. I honestly think that I can go to bed tonight, and wake up tomorrow with a clear head, and a fire under my butt. I needed today to happen the way that it did, and it wasn't easy but I feel like I was tested today, and passed.

I added the Serenity Prayer at the top because I feel like I was able to utilize it very well today. This prayer has gotten me through more debacles than I care to keep count of and I know that I can rely on it again, and again in the future. Hopefully you can let it help guide you through your hard times as well. Until then, goodnight, and be good to one another!

Valentine's Schmalentines

Happy flippin' Valentine's Day Everyone!!!!!!

Here is the deal with me today... I am wallowing in a pool of my own self pity. Here I am, 25 years old, finally making some breaks in the right direction, and depressed. How does this happen? I realize that being a female we are able to feel so many emotions at once, but this is a little ridiculous! I am ecstatic that I got a new job for a company that I love, and that I have the photo shoot for the cover of my book, that has been a project 2 years in the making, in 2 days. These are all amazing things, but here I am... wallowing. I am sad for several reasons, but this is the biggest one: Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday. I know, I know... this seems silly, but I have a good explanation. For me, V-Day is like Christmas in the sense that I feel as if the true meaning has been skewed into something that it isn't anymore. Like Xmas, now it is all about presents and candy, and everything being colored in red and pink. Everyone forgets that it is a holiday meant to celebrate love.

This isn't just a holiday that celebrates being in love, but having loved ones. Being able to share with the people that you love, and love you should be the ideal holiday pick-me-up. Instead it is like a "singles awareness" holiday. The ability that we have to experience love is absolutely incredible as it is, but then to compile that fact with the way that we are able to allow ourselves to BE loved as well just blows my mind. I am still in love, and I think that is the reason why this year, this holiday bitter-sweetly reminds me of the love that I recently lost, and makes me want to self-loathe.

So this Valentine's I am celebrating with a tattoo. I know that seems crazy, and quite frankly, it is, but I have, in my mind, some reasonable rationalizationing (is that a word?...spell check...no!) One, I want it, and since today is going to suck, why not fill it with something that I want to do? Secondly, it will help me release some endorphins, through the adrenaline I will feel enduced by pain. But hey, at least I will know that I am not numb. Third, and lastly, the quote that i want to get is one not only pertinent to me, but to this holiday, and where I am today, not being able to celebrate it the way that I had hoped

"I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it." Audrey Hepburn

Today I will celebrate the fact that I still do have a terrible need to give affection to someone... and today it won't be a romantic kind, but it will still count. And maybe someday I will finally be able to have a good Valentine's Day with someone who loves me, and I love back, and it will make me forget about the years that I forgot the true meaning of this holiday.

So Happy Valentine's Day to all, because when you think about it... we all have a reason to celebrate!

Every end is a new beginning!

When does hurting your heart become more important than healing it? This is a tough question because who wants to hurt? There have been very few times in my life when I chose to be miserable over being happy, because I knew the misery would fade and ultimately I would be happier in the long run. I have made some tough decisions because they were the right ones. I was able to make them because I knew it was the right choice for my son... our family. I ended a realtionship that I cherished with every part of myself. I loved this man, and I wanted so desperately for it to work that I spent almost a year nurturing it, and trying to help it grow. Unfortunately, some things are not meant to be, and it is always sad.

I was posed recently with the question, "What are you fighting for?", and the answer that came to mind in that moment was, "I don't know." and in that moment, I was right. Now looking back over the last 24 hours, on the nose, I have realized what it was. I was fighting for hope; I was fighting for love; I was fighting for persistence and chivalry, and the idea that love can be so amazing. I am scorned. I have been divorced, and watched the life that I had planned for myself slowly crumble in my hands. How did I gain all of these ideals, that are hopelessly romantic? I don't have an answer to that either. I know that I am tough as nails when it comes to things, and though my heart is broken today for the choice that I had to make, I feel myself healing already. I feel myself mending all of the little wounds that were created over the last year, and I feel little pieces of myself coming back. I have learned a lot from this relationship, and I will carry it on into my next one.

Today I feel lighter. Today I feel as though this weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I can finally breathe without the stress of a decision I couldn't make til just now. It is always hard to watch someone that you love leave your sights for the last time. And this time, it is the last time. Something was different yesterday; the air, the mood. It all seemed... clear. There wasn't this fog blurring my vision. He could tell too. He knew that this time, I wasn't bluffing, and that the things that I was saying were true, and there was no going back to the way things were after this conversation.

Where do I see things? I am not sure. I know now that I can focus on the things that should be more important to me anyway, and maybe now I will be able to focus. I see a new start, which I have been granted before and it is always a welcome and yet unsettling feeling. As far as he and I are concerned, I don't see a reconciliation anytime, but God works in mysterious ways!