March Madness!!!!!

I am really hoping that this March, 2010 is going to be a bug one. You know the life changing kind. I have big plans, and big dreams and I am hoping that with a little persistence that the fruits of all of my labor will start to be evident. We shall see. Here it is, the 2ND of the month, and rent can't be paid... AGAIN. But this is my last month in this apartment and I am hoping that they are lenient with me. I have been searching for a house to rent that will be cheaper than the rent here, and more conveniently located to my son's school. This has been easier than I thought, but also very tedious. There was a lot more out there than I ever anticipated, so my options are there, but at the end of the day I may just need to settle into something that will work, so that I can be smart with my money.

The last thing that I want to do is bury myself in debt, but I may not have a choice. After doing the math of everything that I need to have done by the end of this month, I am going to need close to $5,000. That is a lot of money. And I don't have it.... of course! So here I am eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on stale bread, and canned soup and tuna to make it through. It has come down to a debate between buying gas and milk. No wonder I look like I have aged 5 years in the last 6 months! The stress is killing me, not to mention making me sick. I have been ill with something for the last 3 weeks, and it doesn't seem to be improving. But I have no health insurance and can't afford the medicine even if I spent the money to go to the doctor. It is a twisted web we weave. But I keep thinking of the end result of all of this. Hopefully, if all stays on track, my book will be released by April 1st @ the latest. My Mary Kay business will start to take off and help to supplement my income a bit, and allow me to have a little cushion for times like these. My rent will be lower, and I will be spending less money on gas from commuting. I will be raking in the big bucks at the new bar, and all of my money problems will be solved, so that I won't have to work harder, and be able to work smarter!

That is my goal for March. Do EVERYTHING that I possibly can so that this is the LAST month I will have to work like this. It will be the last month that I don't see my kid when I want to, and the LAST time that I let anyone tell me that I should give up and do something that I don't like so that I can bring home a paycheck every week. No, this March will be madness, and I will hate every minute of it, but come April, it will be awesome.

I realize now that the life that I have is still a life. It might suck from time to time, but I am breathing. And even though my breathing may be panting from all the running around I am doing, it is still fantastic that I still find the time and energy, and motivation to get up and do it anyway.

Lessons are meant to be learned!

I hate making mistakes, but seeing as how I am not perfect, I make them all the time. I, unlike most people, am willing to take chances on trying new things even if I think they might end up being a mistake. It is how I have managed to become a more well rounded 25 year old. Throw in a little life experience, and viola... You have me. I certainly have enough things that have happened in my life to make me bitter and cynical, but am surprisingly not. How did I do this? I embrace life. It isn't always easy, and generally I fight with it, but I would rather fight with my life than fight with everyone in it. I find peace in the fact that as bad as my life has been there is always someone out there that has it worse than me and it helps me to keep things in perspective. But that is just my life in general... what about love?

Is it soul mates, or destiny... or just plain luck that leads us to the one that we spend forever with? I hear people talk about having a "type" all the time, and it makes no sense to me. I can't see myself only dating blond haired, blue eyed heartthrobs, but that's not to say that I wouldn't either. I am more attracted to a type of person, and looking for someone that is a good match for me on a different level. Because I am divorced I feel like I am pretty knowledgeable in the things that I look for and avoid in relationships. I have ended up with some people that fit well into those categories and they haven't worked out, so I have done what I can to step out of that, and it hasn't worked out either.

So what is it? Bad timing? Wrong person? I have no idea. What is it that we are supposed to be looking for, and how do we find it? I know that I am not necessarily looking to be with anyone, especially right now coming fresh out of something, but is it going to just fall in my lap? I am no love expert, and I don't claim to have any idea what I am doing, but I hope with some diligence that I find something in someone that speaks to me, and makes it all fit. There is someone out there who will mend the pieces of my broken heart. Someone who can fill in the cracks left by someone else. Maybe I already know him, or maybe he is a complete stranger... but I obviously need to say a small prayer and cross my fingers that he finds me, and i find him, and at the end of that day we are able to go on and live the life that was intended for us, together!

I just want a teammate in life; someone that will go to bat for me, and let me be their biggest chearleader. I need someone motivated so that they can understand my undying drive to succeed at whatever I am doing. I need someone strong so that they can pick me up when I fall, and understand that I may not need them to. I want someone who is creative, and interested in learning new things. I need to be stimulated but also want to feel as though I stimulate someone else in the same ways. I want to feel safe and comfortable in his arms, but not smothered by them. I want to have someone who takes things day by day, but isn't scared to look towards the future. I want someone who is spiritual, and believes that there is more to life than just us, and is willing to be open to religious ideals, and the faith that comes with it. I need someone that is appreciative and down to Earth. I want someone who is honest, and kind, but upfront and not afraid to speak their mind. I am sure I could go on and on... but generally, if you are a good person and will love me and my child unconditionally... I am willing to give you a chance to prove that you can be these things. Maybe they are ridicilous, but because I am willing to be all of these things for someone else, I will continue to hold on to the idea that there is someone out there willing to be all of these things for me!

Tears are sometimes the best medicine!

So I have determined that maybe it isn't just me that finds some resolute in having a good cry every once in a while. I perhaps cry more than most people will admit to, but it isn't always because I am sad. There are times of happy tears, or tears that rage down my face in anger. I have cried out of misery and loneliness, as well as out of gratitude and forgiveness. Yesterday I cried out of grief but today I cried in relief, and both times I cried over the same thing.

I got my tattoo yesterday and felt a little bit of pain, but mostly relief. I am not numb! I swore that I was locking away all my emotions. It was my secret plan for getting over my most recent relationship. I love this man, and I felt as if I needed to act like I didn't to feel better, and to move on. I am going to try. I plan on going out with other people, but it isn't because I don't care about him... in fact, I really believe that we could still have a future together. It is NOT written in stone by any means, and for all I know I could meet the man of my dreams tomorrow, and this will all seem like a distant memory. It is the chance that we take when we break up with someone we still love and want to be with.

But the timing is wrong. It isn't right at this moment, and we both need to accomplish some things individually before we can start a life together. Today, we cried together, and there was something refreshing about it. I don't feel like the bad guy anymore, and he wasn't being selfish today, and all the things that we fought about all this time were no where to be found. without all of that stuff we found a common ground, and I am still a little sad, and I still want to cry, but I feel better too. I feel as if the loose end we left isn't quite so loose. I know now that we will be able to see each other and it not feel like the end of the world.

I have a better sense of myself today, and for that I am grateful. Yes, there are still plenty of things that I need to work on, and I have every intention of continuing to do so, but I feel a little more complete, and a little more grown up. I feel stronger, and more determined than ever. I feel revitalized, and content with things, and it is refreshing. I honestly think that I can go to bed tonight, and wake up tomorrow with a clear head, and a fire under my butt. I needed today to happen the way that it did, and it wasn't easy but I feel like I was tested today, and passed.

I added the Serenity Prayer at the top because I feel like I was able to utilize it very well today. This prayer has gotten me through more debacles than I care to keep count of and I know that I can rely on it again, and again in the future. Hopefully you can let it help guide you through your hard times as well. Until then, goodnight, and be good to one another!

Valentine's Schmalentines

Happy flippin' Valentine's Day Everyone!!!!!!

Here is the deal with me today... I am wallowing in a pool of my own self pity. Here I am, 25 years old, finally making some breaks in the right direction, and depressed. How does this happen? I realize that being a female we are able to feel so many emotions at once, but this is a little ridiculous! I am ecstatic that I got a new job for a company that I love, and that I have the photo shoot for the cover of my book, that has been a project 2 years in the making, in 2 days. These are all amazing things, but here I am... wallowing. I am sad for several reasons, but this is the biggest one: Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday. I know, I know... this seems silly, but I have a good explanation. For me, V-Day is like Christmas in the sense that I feel as if the true meaning has been skewed into something that it isn't anymore. Like Xmas, now it is all about presents and candy, and everything being colored in red and pink. Everyone forgets that it is a holiday meant to celebrate love.

This isn't just a holiday that celebrates being in love, but having loved ones. Being able to share with the people that you love, and love you should be the ideal holiday pick-me-up. Instead it is like a "singles awareness" holiday. The ability that we have to experience love is absolutely incredible as it is, but then to compile that fact with the way that we are able to allow ourselves to BE loved as well just blows my mind. I am still in love, and I think that is the reason why this year, this holiday bitter-sweetly reminds me of the love that I recently lost, and makes me want to self-loathe.

So this Valentine's I am celebrating with a tattoo. I know that seems crazy, and quite frankly, it is, but I have, in my mind, some reasonable rationalizationing (is that a word?...spell check...no!) One, I want it, and since today is going to suck, why not fill it with something that I want to do? Secondly, it will help me release some endorphins, through the adrenaline I will feel enduced by pain. But hey, at least I will know that I am not numb. Third, and lastly, the quote that i want to get is one not only pertinent to me, but to this holiday, and where I am today, not being able to celebrate it the way that I had hoped

"I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it." Audrey Hepburn

Today I will celebrate the fact that I still do have a terrible need to give affection to someone... and today it won't be a romantic kind, but it will still count. And maybe someday I will finally be able to have a good Valentine's Day with someone who loves me, and I love back, and it will make me forget about the years that I forgot the true meaning of this holiday.

So Happy Valentine's Day to all, because when you think about it... we all have a reason to celebrate!

Every end is a new beginning!

When does hurting your heart become more important than healing it? This is a tough question because who wants to hurt? There have been very few times in my life when I chose to be miserable over being happy, because I knew the misery would fade and ultimately I would be happier in the long run. I have made some tough decisions because they were the right ones. I was able to make them because I knew it was the right choice for my son... our family. I ended a realtionship that I cherished with every part of myself. I loved this man, and I wanted so desperately for it to work that I spent almost a year nurturing it, and trying to help it grow. Unfortunately, some things are not meant to be, and it is always sad.

I was posed recently with the question, "What are you fighting for?", and the answer that came to mind in that moment was, "I don't know." and in that moment, I was right. Now looking back over the last 24 hours, on the nose, I have realized what it was. I was fighting for hope; I was fighting for love; I was fighting for persistence and chivalry, and the idea that love can be so amazing. I am scorned. I have been divorced, and watched the life that I had planned for myself slowly crumble in my hands. How did I gain all of these ideals, that are hopelessly romantic? I don't have an answer to that either. I know that I am tough as nails when it comes to things, and though my heart is broken today for the choice that I had to make, I feel myself healing already. I feel myself mending all of the little wounds that were created over the last year, and I feel little pieces of myself coming back. I have learned a lot from this relationship, and I will carry it on into my next one.

Today I feel lighter. Today I feel as though this weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I can finally breathe without the stress of a decision I couldn't make til just now. It is always hard to watch someone that you love leave your sights for the last time. And this time, it is the last time. Something was different yesterday; the air, the mood. It all seemed... clear. There wasn't this fog blurring my vision. He could tell too. He knew that this time, I wasn't bluffing, and that the things that I was saying were true, and there was no going back to the way things were after this conversation.

Where do I see things? I am not sure. I know now that I can focus on the things that should be more important to me anyway, and maybe now I will be able to focus. I see a new start, which I have been granted before and it is always a welcome and yet unsettling feeling. As far as he and I are concerned, I don't see a reconciliation anytime, but God works in mysterious ways!

Another day needs another dollar!

Hey all,

So I was thinking about all of the times when I have said that I just didn't have enough money. IT IS ALL THE TIME. But how is this possible? I work 6 days a week, and never see my kid so that I can bring home enough money to pay the bills and yet here I am; it is the 28th of the month, rent is due in 3 days and I have exactly... let me count... $196 to my name, and I don't have to tell you that rent is ALOT more than that; over $800 more than that! So, here I am in the same position that I am in at the end of every month wondering exactly how I am going to make it through.

There are no answers to these questions that I can give you right now. If there were I wouldn't be having to write this. But I can tell you what I am not going to do... give up. Yes, times are hard. Yes, I feel like I am going to pull my hair out. Yes, there is a large part of me that wants to give up. Yes, my son is worth it to me to figure this out. There are always things that stress people out, and there is always going to be hard times. Every person, even the rich ones, have them. What you have to do is the same thing that I am trying to do, and be more creative about it. There are options, and you may not like all of them, but they are there. I have weeded my way through pages and pages of things, but they have all left me exactly where I am right now. I am stuck in this endless cycle, and have decided to break out of it.

I am lucky in the sense that I KNOW what I want to do, and where I want to be, which is ahead of the curve a bit. The problem is that getting there has been hell. It seems like nothing that I do really works and I am getting helpless, but not giving up. I will keep trying to find the things that get me through each day, and make the most of the time that I do have to share with my son while I am trying to figure it out.

My first post, and mission!

Well hey!!!

My name is Jessica. I grew up in the suburbs outside of Dallas, TX. I still live there, which seems kind of lame, but I have an amazing reason... my little man. Tyler is 4 now, and there is nothing more interesting than watching this little thing that you created grow and learn. It still trips me out everyday! But there is a lot more to being a mom than some people think; even more when you are doing it before you were ready!

In an ideal world we would all have babies when we are married and happy, and have careers and houses with yards and little picket fences. I think we can all say that the odds of this actually happening are slim to none. For the few that are lucky enough to have it happen, I doubt this blog is for you. This is for the ones of us who weren't so fortunate to talk about the nitty-gritty of being a young parent, single or otherwise, divorce and/or baby daddy or mama drama, and how to be yourself and accomplish all the things that you ever dreamed WHILE having a child. This is how to continue to work towards the little house with the picket fence even if it takes working doubles everyday for 10 years.

There are some people who may think I am not qualified to give advice, and they may be right, but I am not sitting here claiming to be a doctor and telling people which prescriptions to take to cure an illness. I am simply trying to be someone that understands where the hell you are coming from. I ma not going to think you are just bitching and moaning, because I have been there, and sometimes you just need someone to tell you that it is OK.

This blog is not going to be PC (politically correct) but real, and raw, the way that life actually is. I am always going to answer questions to the best of my abilities and I will answer questions about anything; sex, relationships, parenting, how to be amicable with your ex, and ideas for making more money and planning for your future. I am no expert, but i can offer you some out of the box ideas that you can take or leave, but at least you are trying to test all waters before you settle for a life that you didn't plan for yourself. Take control... I will just hand you the reins.